Parent Refusal Vs Parental Alienation

There’s a big difference between 'Parent Refusal' and 'Parental Alienation'.

Parental Alienation is when one parent actively turns a child against the other parent. Parent Refusal is often a child's reaction to situations they find distressing or overwhelming.

Take the story of the highly sensitive 12-year-old who witnessed a heated argument between his parents at changeover. This resulted in the child refusing to spend any time with his father - for 18 months. This action was driven not by parental manipulation, but by the child's inability to deal with conflict. Meanwhile his brother was unaffected by the same incident, and continued to spend time with the father.

This difference highlights how each child's perception of things, and their specific sensitivities will influence behaviour. If your child is prone to anxiety or has any other behavioural issues, everything they experience will be magnified.

The Blame Game

When faced with a child’s refusal to visit it's natural for fathers to feel devastated. The easiest target to blame is the other parent. But if you instantly jump to this conclusion, it is over-simplifying what is usually a very complex situation. 

Blaming the other parent can feel justifiable, especially when emotions are raw, but it seldom leads to a resolution. 

The bigger issue is that taking this perspective offers little in the way of actionable solutions. While you have no control over the actions or intentions of the other parent, you do have control over your own responses.

Taking Charge 

Taking responsibility isn't about accepting blame for the situation, but acknowledging the possibility that you may play some part in the situation. It’s about creating an environment that feels safe and inviting for your child, devoid of pressure or judgment, which can make all the difference. It involves asking yourself tough questions.

Questions like: How might my actions (or reactions) be contributing to my child's discomfort?

Or: What can I change about my approach to make my child feel safer and more eager to spend time with me?

By focusing on what you can control—your own actions—you place yourself in the best possible position to rebuild the relationship with your child. This is not only about making the best of a difficult situation, but also about modelling responsibility and emotional maturity for your children.

It shows them that while we can't control everything, we can always choose how we respond to our challenges.

What You Can Do

• Personal Actions: Sometimes, without realising it, your own actions or words might contribute to the tension. Reflecting on past interactions might reveal patterns that could be adjusted to encourage a more positive relationship.
• Communication: Frequently engaging in open, honest, and non-confrontational communication with your children and, if possible, with the other parent will help reduce misunderstandings and ease tensions.
• Professional Advice: Getting an outside perspective can help you see solutions that weren’t apparent before. Family therapists or parenting experts can offer strategies that have worked for others in similar situations.
• Parenting courses / Co-parenting workshops: Are a great option for learning the skills to handle tricky situations, especially if your child has extra challenges like anxiety or ADHD.
• Understand Their World: Children don’t think like adults. A child might feel like they have to pick sides, and they usually go for the easy option. Making sure that you are a safe, dependable option will help them during this difficult time.

Moving Forward

While it's easy to point fingers, focusing on how you can improve and understand things from your child's perspective, will help prevent your relationship with your child from fracturing, and can heal it when it has beome broken.

Remember, the goal isn’t to find someone to blame - it is to encourage your child to maintain a loving relationship with you.